My angel NICU babies,

I’m so sorry. I’m apologetic your access to this apple was abounding of chaos, noise, and ablaze lights. At times I am abounding of guilt. Answerability that I couldn’t do my one job as your mother: assure you. You came out agreeable but again struggled to breathe. Aloof as bound as you entered the room, you were swept abroad from me. As I lay accessible on the table, all I could do was wait. Delay for my doctors to put me aback together. Delay for your doctors to get you absorbed up to the assorted machines that would abutment you and advice you grow. Delay to authority you. So abundant waiting . . .

I came to see you every day, alert a day, alike back it aching to get out of bed. Alike back I knew I could alone sit abutting to you and stare, not actuality able to authority you yet. Every day we came and followed the “scrub in” procedures. Putting our phones in a bactericide and again a artificial bag. Abrasion our easily thoroughly. Applying the surgical duke chrism twice, up to our elbows. Spending 5 account aloof authoritative abiding we weren’t bringing any bacilli into your safe little bubble.

Some canicule all we could do was attending at you. I sat and watched you accept claret drawn, be adapted for a new CPAP, and abide a agriculture tube actuality placed through your nose. I wondered how addition so tiny and new to this apple could abide so abundant in so little time. But you endured.

The canicule I could authority you were so bittersweet. I aloof capital to dive in and aces you up. Bundle you, adulation you, authority you, assure you. But I couldn’t. Instead, I sat in a armchair as a assistant confused machines and affairs and pillows in aloof the appropriate way. I waited for the nurse to lower you anxiously into my arms. I sat so still, abashed to move too abundant and cull on a wire or tube and account you added pain. I was so aflame to authority you, but it aching my affection to see you this way.

We had to booty turns captivation you. If I captivated you in the morning, your dad would authority you at night. It was too abundant on your tiny anatomy to be confused about added than you bare to. Sometimes, back we got there, we couldn’t authority you at all. The assistant would attending at us acutely and acquaint us you had a asperous night or afternoon and bare to rest. I never capital you to feel alone, so we would break and authority your feel or aloof allocution to you and beam at you.

You were so strong. Stronger than me best days. As I watched you be poked and prodded, I cried. You cried too sometimes. The day I was absolved from the hospital, I cried alike harder. I didn’t appetite to leave you. Alike admitting the maternology area was on the added ancillary of the hospital, at atomic we were in the aforementioned building. Already I went home, it meant it would be harder to appear to see you. But we still did every day.

Your grandparents and your aunts and uncle came too. Sometimes in person, sometimes via video call. Your accompany and ancestors asked for updates and pictures. Some beatific absolute thoughts. Some sent gifts, some prayed. You had so abounding bodies in your corner. Afore you alike larboard the hospital, you had an absolute army of followers adulatory you well.

You connected to get stronger. Anniversary day, authoritative a little added progress. Oh, the backbone you showed! There were setbacks, but with anniversary one, you came out on top. Authoritative addition leap, addition footfall afterpiece to coming home. You started breath better, defective beneath abutment from the machines. You started eating, not defective a agriculture tube anymore. You started moving. Avaricious our fingers and sometimes the wires, ambience off your alarms and monitors.

The nurses started authoritative jokes. Jokes about you actuality the better NICU babies on the floor. Jokes about you ripping off all your leads and aggravating to breach free. It was nice to joke. It was nice to smile and accept achievement and adore actuality with you. But we still longed to accompany you home. We longed for a faculty of normalcy.

Eventually, you arrested off anniversary anniversary you bare to accommodated to appear home. Twenty-four hours at a assertive air pressure. Twenty-four hours on aloof the nasal cannula. Twenty-four hours with no supports. We acclaimed anniversary one, acquisitive for it to continue.

And it did.

You, my NICU babies, connected to abound and accomplish advance and appearance anybody how able and amazing you are. Then, one morning, the doctors asked if we capital to booty you home. We were so abounding of abhorrence and anxiety. Were we accessible for this? Were we able to accept you at home after the abutment of the doctors and nurses? But mostly, we were abounding of action and hope.

You were so strong. You were ready. Your activity had aloof begun, and already you’d been through so much. But now, it was time for the abutting chapter. It was time for you to appear home area you belonged. It was time for us to be a family.

Your start to activity wasn’t perfect. It absolutely wasn’t easy. But you afraid me with your backbone and application in those days, and you abide to do so every day since. I can’t delay to see what abroad you accept in store!

I adulation you, my NICU babies. My little fighters!

Mom